JAX
Dear K—
Here's what happened while you've been gone.
Falling. The feeling of plummeting that reaches out, seizes you; eternal present that won't let go. Like holding your breath and the only thing that exists in the universe is the moment when you can finally take a breath.
A boy with that cursed golden hair, standing up on Elephant Rock, clutching his heart and thinking about falling. That vain organ in my chest threatens to revolt again, but I won't let it stop me. Not today.
I asked them once when our preoccupation with death began. As a joke, but it's true and we all know it. Max said, "Begin? Do these things begin? They just are." Vasco laughed and we toasted ourselves, the "boys with eternity in their hearts."
Obviously, I'd say it began with you.
The clouds were huge that day, I remember that. The ocean always made us those grand, magisterial clouds, but that day, they were huge. I remember thinking how tiny the last ship looked, drifting in below those godly clouds. How trivial man's pursuits.
"Sure noisy now, huh?"
Oappi had given up trying to play my wo'a— a Tchican flute Teuila had given me— and was now trying to balance it endwise on his head. It kept falling into the dirt.
"Yeah, Oap," I said, opening my ears to the sound of it, "I suppose it is." When you weren't blocking it out, it was almost deafening, those shrill human sounds advancing from port, from the palace. You had to focus to hear the heartbeat of the island. Even the bellbirds had shut up for the first time ever, suspicious and withdrawn before the newcomers. The jungle felt emptier without them.
"How long do they have to be here?" Oappi had given up his balancing act and was crouched up on a mossy rock, using the flute as an instrument of experimental poking. The vibrant beetle grew more disgruntled at every prod.
I didn't like thinking about it. The whole thing— the Choosing, having to smile at and play nicely with traitors, having to play prince.
I sighed, "I don't know." Too long.
Oappi sat indignantly, facing me. "Why'd they have to come?"
"You know why, Oappi."
"Aren't you mad about it at-all?" He meant wasn't I mad that they had taken our island by storm? Mad that we couldn't go fishing off the wharf or hear the potoos sing at night anymore?
"Course I'm mad about it."
"Why don't you do something?" His little voice could bite like a wolf, tear your whole arm off, when he wanted to. "You're the prince, aincha?"
I laughed and grabbed him and messed up his hair. Oappi had extraordinary and rare powers of making you feel brighter when everything, everything was dismal and hopeless. "I think you'd make a better prince than me."
He giggled and giggled and wrestled out of my grip.
Truth is, I was scared of what I was. I don't think I realized until those ships sailed in just how much I was owned by my empire.
Your life is not your own, the King told me. You are the Kingsblood, Jackson. You exist for the good of the Empire.
I'm the second most powerful person in the world, after my father. It has never felt like that. I don't exert power, I'm enslaved to it.
I remember thinking about the time your father used the word "proud" and we had to look it up in a dictionary. We knew other words— disappointment, disgrace, disown. You laughed and said we'd find a father for both of us and teach him to only say words that started with p and never d. Then you said "pineapple" and threw one, said "push" and shoved me off the top of Eusses Fall. Then jumped in after me.
This is it, I thought, looking down at the water. This is the end. It has to be. The sunlight spilled through for just a moment, warming my cheek, shimmering the pool below.
Two years. Two whole years. It sometimes feels like I saw you just yesterday. Time weaves and bends around those blasted halls like the lies of the politicians weaving and bending through them. But enough is enough.
I hadn't performed the Optimis Valor Test since the day before our deployment. Some part of me kept waiting for you, I guess.
But the Choosing would start tomorrow. An empire looked to me. If ever there was a time for a test of mettle, it was now.
So I ruffled Oappi's hair and stepped up on the Elephant Rock one last time.
The water hurts. The still surface loathes to be broken, and stings you for your transgression. But the falling is worse. I'd forgotten that. It's something that never ends. In some way, for the rest of eternity, you will always be falling.
I didn't die. I broke through and swam to the rocks like a man renewed. I looked back at the Fall and heard your dumb, infamous, grammatically problematic victory cry ringing in my ears, Vītam amō! Illud ex mē nōn rapitis!
I love life! You shall not take it from me!
I heard them before I saw them, as usual.
"You magnificent pagan god!" Jessime shouted triumphantly. He came jogging up with a congratulatory slap on the back.
I bowed. "At your service, mortal."
The others came up behind him, exchanging coins with reluctance and delight on the appropriate sides.
"Blast, Eisenberg, you actually did it!" Vasco shook my hand with his best old-young man smile. The one where he welds the fierce pride of an old father to the fiendish glee of a compatriot. "You can't die, can you? That's what this is, you know," he addressed the others, "He's immortal and feeding off our ignorance to siphon our purses."
I grinned and shook water from my hair. "Where's my twenty chips?"
Vasco put an arm around my shoulders and announced, "Gentlemen, our Kingsblood."
I fought not to cringe at the name. Sometimes I wished the Kingsblood would die. Not Jax— I was perfectly happy to go on living, but I hoped, impossibly, that the Kingsblood shell I lived in would crumple to ash and fall away. "Freedom would taste sweet on my thirsty lips." That blasted poet Vonaix may have lived six hundred years ago, but he knows me better than I know myself sometimes.
Max smiled and stuck out his hand to me. "The man of the hour. How's he doing?"
We shook and I said, "Aggressively below average."
"Nothing's changed then."
Everyone chuckled. Jessime looked up at the Fall with that piercing elation in his borrowed green eyes and declared, "I'm doing that next."
"Oh no you're not," Vasco said, thrusting a hand against his chest to stop him. "You can't die yet. I just got here."
"Jessime's got more lives than a cat," Aramis said. "I wouldn't worry."
"Let's get out of here before he can try." Vasco pressed me forward and proclaimed, "Mr. Meeks, time to inherit the earth."
We began the trek back to the palace and I asked, "How was the trip?" Vasco and Maxence were the last of our friends to arrive on the island.
"Long," Vasco said. "I need tea."
"As the prophecy foretold," Aramis muttered remotely.
Max chided, "It's too early in the day to quote Dretaux."
Vasco scowled, suddenly remembering. "Isn't there some blasted ceremony or other we're supposed to—"
"The opening ceremony. The Choosing begins," Camden answered, then added ominously, "No turning back."
We laughed.
Vasco roused himself, throwing a fist in the air. "Patriotism! Love of the fatherland!" He punched Aramis who was walking indifferently beside him. "Come on, Diane, let it fill your soul!"
"You're an idiot, Argent," Aramis muttered.
Vasco cupped a hand to his ear. "What was that, dear?"
"I said I love you, Vasco."
"Ah, my children!" Vasco cooed, throwing his arms out and hooking them around the necks of Aramis and Camden beside him. "What happy times we shall have here on this miserable island."
I was just beginning to think this whole thing might not be so bad after all. I hadn't seen half of them since before the war, and I'd forgotten the kind of trouble we could cause together. The Golden Boys, our mothers used to call us when we were young, for our illustrious blond curls. They used to sit around at tea parties and fondly watch us roll around in the dirt and say, the Golden Boys are unstoppable.
And I was thinking that right up to the moment we all took our seats and the King opened his mouth and declared in a voice that filled the great hall, "War— is dead."
_______
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